211. Do you come from a generation of broken homes?
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Are your parents and grandparents people who had either divorced or got separated? Could this also impact your own marriage? Like they say, sometimes, some things are a bit genetic, so maybe it is the life you have always known. Could this impact your marriage or do you come from a family where the people are happy, where they have a lot of good qualities and then this could also rub off on you? So, is this something you want to look out for before you get married to your spouse? If your spouse comes from a generation of broken homes, then there are high chances that you are next on the list to have a broken home. But at the end of the day, nothing is guaranteed. Yours may be the exception, but this is probably something you may want to look out for.
212. Is there any perfect marriage?
Now you see some people sometimes in the street holding hands, kissing each other, you know, expressing love, etcetera. But somewhere down the line the marriage fails. Now the question is, is there any perfect marriage? In my opinion, marriage is full of ups and downs, triumphs and challenges, etcetera. So, in my opinion, there's no perfect marriage. You have to try and work on it on a continuous basis until you drop dead. That's marriage for you. So that's my opinion. I don't know what you think.
213. Marriage plan
Now, as you do your work, you may have a plan. If you're doing a business, you have your business plan. If you're studying, you probably have a plan of how you're going to study, maybe a study plan. But for your marriage, do you have a marriage plan or a family plan? Do you articulate your thoughts? Do you discuss them with your spouse or maybe your children? Do you have a plan for your holidays? Do you have a plan for how your children are going to study for their academics? Do you have a plan on what your children should be doing and when they should be doing it? At what ages? For example, at what age should they be happy with the domestic chores? What plan do you have for holidays for the children? What plan do you have for them to just generally a family plan? What's your family plan? Do you intend to have two children, three children, four children? Do you plan to space out the age edges of the children? Do you plan for your family, you know, 20 years down the line? 30 years down the line? Do you plan for your retirement age, etcetera? Do you have a family plan?
214. Roles of family members?
Do you assign tasks and roles to each family member? To the man, to the father, to the mother, to the children? And if you have people living with you, do you assign tasks and roles to each of them? Does this make for good planning? Does this help to avoid conflict? Do you interchange the rules from time to time? Do you carry the family along when taking decisions? When you are giving out rules, are there fears or are you burdening some people with much more that they can take? Are there incentives if they carry out the rules very well? What are your thoughts?
215. Managing an abusive relationship?
It could be the man who is the abuser, or it could be the woman. It could even be the children who are taunting both of you. How do you manage such abusive relationships? Do you seek help from the religious gathering or religious clerics? Do you seek help from marriage counsellors? Do you talk it through with your partner? Do you have a strategy for coping? Or do you just keep quiet and endure all the pain and eventually breakdown somewhere down the line? Or maybe become violent? If you're in an abusive relationship, how do you manage it?
216. Are you in an unhappy relationship?
You're doing your best to keep everybody happy, but somehow it is not working? Yes, you live under the same roof, provide food, shelter, and security, but probably, expectations are not met and your marriage is unhappy. How do you manage it? Do you seek a divorce? Do you seek help from outside? Help and guidance? Do you have marriage counsellors? Do you have marriage mentors? Do you research, maybe videos or books to find out how other people manage such situations? How do you manage it?
217. Are you qualified for marriage?
Marriage, like they say, is an institution and not everybody succeeds. It doesn't matter whether you are the most learned or the most religious. But the question is, are you ‘qualified’ for marriage?
As a man, traditionally, you are the provider of food, shelter, etc. Are you someone who can carry that burden?
As a woman, traditionally, you’ll take care of the home, the children, and so on. Are you domesticated?
Do you fit into these shoes? Is this something you are able to overcome by renegotiating the norms?
Are you qualified for marriage? Do you have the qualities of a married person? As a man or woman, do you go about outside gossiping about your private affairs? Do you dress seductively? Do you engage in extramarital affairs? Could your marriage last a lifetime? Or will it be a marriage with a little ‘m’?
218. Is your marriage doomed before it starts?
For some people, they are not compatible. Some get married to their spouses sometimes because they have had premarital sex and the woman is pregnant. Some marry just because of the good looks. Some marriages are imposed on the spouses. For some marriages, maybe it's just the two people who are in love, but their family and friends are not in support of the marriage. So, when things like this happen, is that marriage actually doomed before it even starts?
219. Is there more to marriage than love and sex?
Some people think marriage is all about, “Oh, I love you, my dear, blah blah blah. You know, I had a very good time in bed last night. You're the best. You're the one and only.”
But is that everything that marriage entails? If there's no food on the table, will that marriage endure? If you're not able to carry out domestic chores and keep a safe and clean home? will that marriage endure if you don't relate with some family, friends of your spouse, etcetera? Will that marriage endure if you have challenges and your spouse is unavailable to help? For example, if the car has problems and support is needed by your spouse to sort it out, but you know they are busy doing their own thing or they cannot be bothered with that problem at that moment? Give some thoughts to it.
220. Secrets
Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and everyone has their negative past; and some probably have their secrets. Now, should you share your weaknesses and secrets before you get married? Maybe, you have a health condition, or maybe, you have a negative past. Maybe, you have some other secrets. Is it something you will mention to your spouse before you get married? Or is it something you think may affect your marriage? And if you decide not to tell your spouse, what if your spouse gets to know later in the course of your marriage? Is this something that can make your marriage compromised? Now you need to draw the fine line between what you need to disclose and what you may not need to disclose, and also how you intend to disclose it. Like the Yoruba people say, “Pele oni ako oni abo." That means sometimes you can say the same thing in different ways. So, if you can manage how you tell your spouse what you need to tell them, maybe that could make a big difference, but the bottom line is that you have to decide and make a judgement as to whether you want to share your weaknesses and your secrets with your spouse before you get married or even after you've got married, or whether you need to still keep these secrets. You also need to know whether this has implications either sooner or later.
Thank you very much for your time.
This is Jack Lookman signing off. Ire o (I wish you blessings)
Ire kabiti (I wish you loads of blessings).
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Thank you for your contributions: John Tosin Adekunle and Rita Nnamani
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